A giant slime ball, once it starts rolling down hill, can be a difficult thing to stop.
Evidence: The University of Washington athletic department, which has sold what remained of its soul (after all those Nike contracts usurped the lion’s share years ago) to rogue enterprise known as the Pac-12 Networks.
The money-grubbing conference announced that it will run TV spots and conduct other degrading tomfoolery to persuade local residents to dump satellite TV carrier DirecTV, which has failed to assume the Pac-12’s preferred economic position in ongoing negotiations, in favor of carriers that already have.
This campaign reportedly will include the unseemly spectacle of coaches and university athletic directors — employees of public institutions of (cough, sputter, choke) higher learning — to personally enter the fray by using their sway to seduce TV customers into the folds of participating Pac-12 Network carriers.
We’ll leave it up to U-Dub athletic director Scott Woodward and coach Steve Sarkisian to decide who gets the Dish Network pompoms, and who gets the more-alluring Comcast cheerleader skirt.
Sell it with a smile, boys. You’re representing all of us.
More gag reflexes:
Speaking of Bald-Faced Lies: Get a load of this ginormous whopper from Lydia Murphy-Stephans, Pac-12 Networks president: “We built the Pac-12 Networks to give fans unprecedented access to their favorite teams and sports on TV ...”
And Speaking of Inebriated Fans: Washington State University, in a news release oddly not dated April 1, announced it will take new steps to curb student drinking. No word on whether that will include a possible loosening of Wazzu’s longtime, stubborn insistence on students living for four years in Pullman.
Maximizing Revenue Potential, Cont.: A tip for Boeing, formerly of Seattle: Instead of raising sticker prices on all models (new 787-10 Dreamsmoker price, $289 million, sans undercoating), consider the a la carte ramped-pricing scheme of cutting-edge businesses such as Allegiant Air. You know, $2 million for the standard battery, $12 million for the Deluxe Non-Flammable Battery, etc.
Please Choose From the Following Infuriating Options: We like entrepreneur Elon Musk’s new plan for a high-speed, pneumatic-tube transportation device. But he should know that the term “Hyperloop” has already been trademarked as a means of automated software disposal for angry callers to Comcast customer service.
Oh Sure, It Looks Innocent: The city of Anacortes, which recently was the site of a supersecret construction facility for software mogul Larry Ellison’s high-tech America’s Cup racing yachts, now reportedly is hosting in the same area a secret Boeing project to explore automation in construction of the new 777X. Who’s running that town, the National Security Agency?
One Toke Over the Line: A Seattle police spokesman said some officers are reluctant to even step foot in the city’s Hempfest because they’re worried about breathing in secondhand smoke and testing positive for pot. Our advice: Go, have a good time, and get some test-busting tips from the Seahawks defense.
And Finally: Mr. Wrap tips his Seattle Sombrero to Washington State Parks, which — establishing a possibly dangerous governmental precedent — embraced the logic espoused here last week and promptly reversed its ban on campfires in its Western Washington campgrounds. Have a s’more on us, soggy campers. And snuff your fires when you’re finished.
Ron Judd’s column appears each Sunday. Reach him at email@example.com or 206-464-8280.
About The Wrap / Ron Judd
"The Wrap" appears on Sundays, highlighting the absurd and providing the punch line to the week's news headlines.