Hand-puppet journalism: Is it media day again already?
Tuesday was Super Bowl Media Day at Originally Joe Robbie Stadium. Media Day is when the players for the Super Bowl teams get interviewed...
Special to The Seattle Times
MIAMI -- Tuesday was Super Bowl Media Day at Originally Joe Robbie Stadium. Media Day is when the players for the Super Bowl teams get interviewed into a stupor by several thousand members of the press corps. Each team gets interviewed for 60 minutes, which is approximately 58 minutes longer than necessary, because the players all make pretty much the same three points over and over and over:
Point 1: They are happy to be in the Super Bowl.
Point 2: They want to win the Super Bowl.
Point 3: They would rather have their prostate glands examined by an irate scorpion than sit through Media Day.
They don't actually express Point 3 out loud, but you can tell they are thinking it, especially when they are being interviewed by a hand puppet. There were actually two hand puppets at Media Day, both operated by a guy from a Mexican TV station. (The Super Bowl is big in Mexico, where it is called "The Super Bowl.")
The hand puppets were supposed to represent a bear and a colt, but in fact they both looked more like mutant fur-bearing frogs from space. The Mexican TV guy was thrusting these things into the faces of professional football linemen the size of convenience stores and asking them questions. Then, pretty much regardless of the answer, the hand puppet would go, "AY AY AY!"
Then the football player would pick up the TV guy by his neck and crush his windpipe like a Bud Light can.
OK, that last part did not happen, unfortunately. But I did see a Chicago Bear -- specifically, safety Tyler Everett -- tackle a Mexican TV reporter. I am not making this up. This was a different Mexican TV reporter, a woman wearing high heels and a very short skirt and a top that proclaimed, in no uncertain terms, the message "Here are my bosoms!" She told Everett that she wanted him to tackle her, for her TV show. (Apparently she forgot to bring her hand puppets.)
Everett, to his credit, tried to get out of it, but she was very insistent, in the way certain women can be when they have self-proclaiming bosoms, so finally he gave in and kind of picked her up. Then SHE insisted on tackling HIM, and to avoid hurting her, he pretty much had to fall down. This suggests a weakness in the Bears defense, but I doubt that the Colts offense will be able to exploit it, unless they have more bosoms than they revealed on Media Day.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Were there any media at Media Day who WEREN'T Mexican TV reporters?"
Yes, of course! This is the SUPER BOWL we're talking about! So the media corps also included two failed contestants from "American Idol." I am not making this up, either. Their names are Kenneth Briggs and Jonathan Jayne, and apparently they were not very good in their auditions, and Simon Cowell said mean things about them, so now -- this being America -- they are famous. They were representing the "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" show, conducting interviews with the players (sample question: "What's your favorite sport?"). They also sang -- many times, for no apparent reason -- "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," which is not really about football, but then neither is Super Bowl Media Day.
There were also some actual sports journalists on hand; mostly they crowded around the stars of the two teams. I would say the biggest star for the Bears is linebacker Brian Urlacher, who is often described as "intimidating" because he looks as though at any moment he will beat you to death with your own femur. The biggest star for the Colts is quarterback Peyton Manning, who football experts believe will eventually surpass both Dan Marino's and Joe Montana's records for most total career TV commercials. Manning can sell anything. He could do an ad for a feminine hygiene product, and guys all over America would be going, "Dang! I need that!"
SUPER BOWL GAME ADVISORY: Tickets for the game are still available from the office of U.S. Rep. Tom Tancredo, who will also be twirling baton in the halftime show ("A Salute to the Third World"). The game itself will be held Sunday at Originally Stadium, weather permitting. As you know, South Florida has been bludgeoned by a brutal cold wave, with temperatures dropping down toward 45 degrees, at which point human life becomes impossible.
The impact has been devastating, especially on the most vulnerable, least-protected members of our community: Hooters waitresses. Until the danger passes, we are urging everybody to stay indoors with your doors locked. Especially Mexican TV reporters. Thank you.